But a good friend has honored me by inviting me to be a bridesmaid in her upcoming wedding, and other good friends are getting married the weekend after that, so I've had weddings on the brain for a few months. Both of the aforementioned brides have lovely, though very different, taste, and I am sure everything about their wedding will be beautiful, but, wow, are weddings a trigger for some people! Everybody has an opinion about what to do, and of course I do, too.
Many years ago I had a small, charming wedding that reflected both my taste and my finances, marred only by the knowledge that I was making a terrible mistake. Tiny though my wedding was, with it's 30 second ceremony (totally not kidding) performed by a Wiccan priestess, there were still a fair number of details- I think of them now as opportunities to reflect what our values and aspirations were; personal, political, certainly aesthetic. My vintage '30's dress that left no question about whether I was gestating, wheel barrels full of bread from my favorite bakery, beautiful flowers and lots of homemade hummus and baba ganoush (which we lived off of for weeks afterwards- no wonder E is so fond of the stuff), all in the house of my style mentor, who was about to become part of my family.
I'm struck now by both how crazy weddings are- it is a DAY! One day!- but also by how people who haven't experienced it are genuinely baffled by how important it feels to make sure everyone you know has a memorable experience that reflects who you and your partner are and what you want for your future. In our boho crowd, weddings seem very remote; we who are living in sin, possibly participants of a quicky wedding when the line on the test turned pink, or blissfully single. Certainly many of our friends would love to be married, but are living in a country whose values in this area are both immoral and ludicrous. The idea of a traditional wedding smacks to some of conspicuous consumption, heterosexual privilege and seriously wacky sexist weirdness, but I'm trying to understand it as a big party that means to celebrate all the promise you feel your life has with people who have meaning to you. That said, I feel like these parties shouldn't be limited to a wedding. Any milestone qualifies- buying a house, having a baby, opening a business, having your first book published, running your first 5-K, getting good news after your first mammogram.- what else? I overheard 2 women at the daytime shower talk about how we should have showers for each other every 20 years. I think that is f-ing brilliant.
All that said, these are the components of a perfect milestone party:
-People, including, but not limited to, bestest friends, family, children, people who have known you forever, a few people you just met but know you will like each other for a long time, a few select near-strangers to spice things up, and people who will bring you a great present (yes, I am that shallow).
-Food. Frankly I think potlucks are ideal, even in this context, but failing that, assigning select friends a food task. My perfect party food list would be a)bread, cheese, olives, fruit, b) a buffet from my favorite Ethiopian restaurant, c) a tortilla bar or d) lots of salad and homemade pasta. A note on dishes and the like- no disposables please. Not only are they tragically wasteful, they are super tacky.
-Place. Beautiful, within your budget (like your backyard. Or the backyard of your best friend who has a fabulous garden.), that will make you happy when you look around; at the beginning when you're there alone, half-way through when you love everybody, and at the end when you are ready to say good night.
-Your perfect outfit. For me that would certainly be a dress, for you I don't know, but something you would be happy to see yourself in a picture 10 years from now, and something that you can eat and drink and sit however you want in.
-Music. Anything that makes you happy. Maybe your favorite band can come, or maybe you will have your favorites on an I-pod. Just make sure there are a few songs that everyone knows, and a few that will always make you think of that day. If this was my party, I would say nothing really dischordant or angry, but you may feel otherwise.
-Flowers. A lot. Simple arrangements.
-Speeches. Not too many. Not too long. But people who love you who are willing to say nice things about you in public is a wonderful thing. It is so nice to known and loved.
-A magic wand, so you can wave it and have everything be cleaned up, with you snug in your bed (or wherever else you want to be).
And you know, a little Martha never hurt anybody.
See, how hard is that? (Ducks)
{Images from joannagoddard.blogspot.com, flickr.com/photos/41924291@N00/2883428037/,saipua.blogspot.com/
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